scared

im 19. i have a boyfreind. i have a job. but all in all, i am TERRIFIED. i dont know what i want out of life besides a husband and kids, but what else, i havent a clue. i dont know what i want to be and ive had recent events scare me so bad, i dont know what to do. close friend issues and other guys.. im just so lost, i feel like breaking down and crying. works been having problems and ive just been hanging on by a thread, before long im gonna fall flat... what do i do... help?

THAT aha moment...

Yeah. You remember when, that time when the big 'Aha' moment just kinda hit you. for everyone its different. occasionally it takes a lot, and sometimes just a little. Or, maybe it takes repetition. For me, that moment came tonight. Today was an amazing day. After being sick for almost a week, I finally felt okay to go do something. I got up and went to church, and I went out to lunch after. The youth group got together and went to a lake and went swimming then we had a bonfire after. And that's when it happened at that bonfire. May not seem like much, I mean, who doesn't go to a bonfire at least once a year. But this, it was different. We hung out a little and ate hot dogs and s'mores. then we had a little devotional time. For those of you who have kept up even a little with my life, you know that I haven't really felt like my parents have cared about me for a long time. My preacher mentioned this last week, i went home and prayed then. Well, he told us all to think of something that we were thankful for to say out loud. When it got to me, i just kinda, spoke what came to mind. I told them that it would probably sound ridiculous, but that i am thankful for getting sick, because I finally feel like my parents care again. They stepped up. after that i had a talk with my preacher and another of the adults and it was really touching to be able to have someone to talk to. I then went and played with the other youth group in the pasture for a while, we came back to rest and started some campfire songs. It was while singing these songs, holding my amazing boyfriends hand, that it hit me. I have exactly what i want, exactly what i need. i have people that care, people that i can talk to. I have a boyfriend that is absolutely amazing, i couldn't ask for anything more, and tonight, my love for him burned deep. But, most importantly i realized that i have a God, an Amazing God, and the fact that he will ALWAYS be there for me, no matter what. my heart was so overwhelmed i lost it. i started crying. i am so happy right now, that i don't want to lose it. Right now, life is good. I'm healthy and happy, I have people that love and care about me. And i have God. I am complete. I love everyone. Thank you!

forever and always,
Ashley Yvonne (=

what is love..

the image of me in my future has always been the same in my mind, i love looking at me with greg and a family in our future. but in a matter of days that image became skewed. i became confused and lost and all in all i didnt know what to do. there is a guy friend of mine that i have been friends with since my freshman year, i found out about a month ago that he likes me and has liked me since my sophomore year. i was shocked but just kind of put it off, i was hanging out at his house on wednesday night and he kissed me,and i was kinda.. confused.. i told greg yesterday and things were a little rough at first but okayd out. thn i began not knowing who or what i wanted.. i didnt want to do to him what he did to me and i just got so caught up i lost it in front of him and spilled everythign that was going on in my head and it honestly really helped. he said that no matter what he just wants me happy, becasue whenever im happy he is really happy and i thought through everythign and have come to the conclusion that im going to forget the confusion from that kiss and stay where i am. he makes me happy and i love him. i dont want to try something just to end up back where we were three months ago.. i love you gregory!!

F&A
Ashley

Perfection

Ask any person to describe to you the definition of perfection and each answer will vary. Perfection isn't a solid thing, you cant pinpoint the exacts of its very being. It is merely every individual persons idea of what is best and without flaws. The world has its general idea of perfection given in the form of models and magazines and other media, but that is only what the media has put into peoples heads of what is beautiful what is flawless and what everyone should look like. But is that really fair. people vary. everyone is different. we were made in gods eyes and to god every person is perfect.

Perfection can come in many different forms. physical. personality. attitude. life style. everything. there is only one person who was ever and will ever be truly perfect, Jesus. judging yourself against others is a sin. when it comes to judgment day god will not be comparing us to our friends, our neighbors, our family. he will merely look at how we lived our lives and if we followed faith. god does not expect us to be perfect so why is our world so obsessed with the idea of perfection and reaching it. you shouldn't want to be perfect. we will never be like Jesus, we are not worthy of it and to try and reach perfection as he was is wrong. we should accept that we cant be perfect and live our lives in His word.

perfection and envy is a huge problem with me. i want to be like that media perfect i want to be that girl on the cover of vogue and be gorgeous. I've always denied complements and flattery. i have gone through life believing i am ugly and will never be anything more. i have never had a supportive family life in self confidence, and that is hurting who i am today. but i have made a decision to change that. this is my promise to myself.

I promise, to always be true to who i am on the inside, to embrace the beauty God has given me, inside and out. I promise to accept when someone calls me beautiful or any other word in its liking. I promise to stay confident no matter who tries to pull me down. I promise to be faithful to my Father, my family, my friends, and any other relationships i encounter. I promise to be happy and remember that jealousy, envy, or any other sins are not worth the pain. I promise to look at life in the big picture and not fret about the small things. And I promise to not worry about tomorrow and let tomorrow worry about itself.

I know that i have friends that love me. I know that there are people who will always be in my life and care about who i am. i don't want to let them down, and i don't want to let myself down. so i make this promise now. =]

and i am happy to say that i am currently the happiest i have ever been in a long time.

Forever and always
Ash

alone

ive always gone through school not being the popular one but being happy with the amount of friends i had and the family life i had. i always seemed to have friends to hang out with, a family i could go to or family activities. i was happy with the people who surrounded me. ive had alot of 'friends'. not alot of super close ones though. and ive been happy with jumping from group to group. but you lose that after highschool. and i have. ive lost my loose net of friends. i still have friends but none that im super close to and want to spend a whole lot of time with. and im trying to get away from drama but it seems to follow and im losing friends to that too. and now my best friend is moving like 2 or 3 hrs away so ill be losing her.

then my 'lil sister' randomly stopped talking to me... and i dont know why and its killing me. i havent talked to her in like a month. i already dont get to see her. and now she wont even talk to me any.. it hurts. i miss her so much and yet she wont even say hi..

ive lost my mom, or the mom i used to have. my dad is more and more distant everyday, my brothers continue to be mean to me. i need to get a job i need to go to college. and im lost. i am down to one person to help me and i dont knw how much help he will be because he is in the same boat that i am. and im soo afraid somethign will happen between the two of us that im afraid to push anythign with him and hes already going to be leaving in a yr or 2 to go over 1000 miles away and he doesnt even want to take me with him, leaving me literally alone. i will be alone.
lost
confused
alone

is that where im supposed to be....

clingy?

sigh. okay. im 18 and have only had about 4 boyfriends. never really serious until recently. ive never had a real relationship until this one either. and i love him completly unconditionally. but sometimes idk.. my emotions get in the way. and i dont know how to put things, or i get upset at the slightest things... sigh.... im kinda clingy.. i admit that. we spend ALOT of time together.. alot. but thats not really a problem i suppose. he is the only person i can spend litterally all my timw with and never get annoyed or anyhting, but the problems lies in the fact that most of my friends dont like him, so i dont spend alot of time with just my friends, but really they dont have a reason to not like him at all.

but i suppose whay im getting at is that if he reads this, which i hope he does, that i love him. i love him soo much. more than i can imagine. he holds the only key to my heart. we have been through rough times and rough situations, but i feel that in my heart we will last. he knows how i feel about him, im still unsure of his exact feelings for me, which yes, bothers me a little bit, i wsish that i knew exactly how he felt for me. but i cant make him know. and i want to say im sorry to him for anything ive ever done to make him upset or my emotions being ridiculous and me getting jealous or upset easily. im still a little wary of things because of what has happened, but i hope that we will be okay.

i love you Gregory! forever and always

in the arms of an angel
i look into his eyes
i see my life
and smile
from the kiss of an angel
i melt into bliss
i feel his heart
and sigh
from the wings of an angel
my fears diminish
i see my future
and jump


him
his eyes
im lost
his lips
sweet
his heart
love
his hands
hold me
his kiss
melts me
his arms
keep me safe
his smile
breaks my shell
he knows me
better than you
better than me
he loves me
for me
he protects me
he calls me beautiful
me asks me not to change
he knows what makes me happy
and sad
and angry
and he cares
my does he care
and i love him
forever
for always
him

F&A
Ashley

cry

do i live in your heart
do i bear your love
do i never fall apart
when you leve me
the last of my kisses the breaks of my hugs the end of my breath
i cry for you

do you beleive i am beautiful
do you believe i am smart
do you see the angel
that i try to be
with the kiss of my lips and the squeeze of my hugs and the scent of my breath
i cry for you

do we belong together
do we belong in each others arms
do we love each other
enough for god to see
with the kiss from his lips and the arms of a fathers hug and his breath of life
he crys for us

with the kiss
and a hug
with the breath
we will cry for you

fml

wow, so my dad sure knows how to make things better. sitting in my room things were fine, until i got a freaking ridiculously painful migrain/tooth ache/ ear ache.. im already crying, boyfriends with me too. he decideds he is going to be a complete ass (dad not bf). he freaking embarrasses me, and yells at me. not even caring that im in pain crying and my bf is there. so, in turn i start bawling like no other. fml.. thanks dad.. and you wonder why the hell i want to get away from here asap...
Ashley

hello summer.

so, ive been pretty stressed during school and the very first part of summer, but for now, ive been surprisingly content. things havent been too bad and ive been pretty happy. after my open house i was all happy because of my presents. they are awesome. ive been getting up to go to the farm and work with animals with my best friend and my boyfriend. i mean honestly who could ask for a better situation on that.

things are going well getting animals ready for the most part, we still have a few we really need to hit hard, cattle r doing good, but we need to start walking them farther. those are the only things i have signed up for hthis year, making it eaier on me. although, im super excited that i am a 10 year 4-Her so that my cow, when i sell him,should go for tons more =] hehe.

ive gotten to camp for the first time ever this summer. it was kinda just a little thing. we stayed in a tent, but it wasnt true true camping, but it was fun. im glad i got to go. now i really want to be able to go fishing for the first time too. and i want to go horsebcak riding sometime this summer. i havent been in like 2 years its killin me.

presents from my open house: i got a brand nnew dell inspiron laptop from my grandparents, i got an aloe plant form one of my friends =], i got a photo album from a friend, i got a sapphire and diamond cross necklace with matching earrings from my mom, i got a picture frame that says '2010' and each number is a slot for a pic and a bunch of random things i did from first grade from my first grade teacher, i got a silver amethyst necklace and earring set from my amazing boyfriend!, and i got a bunch of money i think if you add everything i got together before, during and after my open house its about $600.

hanging with friends, coming home late at night =] ahhh i love summer and the freedom to do this. half the time i come home and my dads already in bed. i hate being home and being bored, thats partly why im writing this right nbow, but oh well lol. so i do all i can to stay out late at night and avoid home. =] worksd for the most part i do have to say.


next week! woo i cant wait for next week. im leaving for a week to go to tennessee to CIY camp. it is a youth church camp, im so excited i can not wait! although it will be a really long drive but oh well lol. its a week away from here to relax. yays!!

well lets see, anything else? oh im driving my dads truck because my blazer has no brakes, sooo yeah, well now im gonna do a few random things! =D


“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

lost

so.. today i ahd my graduation open house. it was good i made out well. i got over 300 dollars and i got several presents including a brand new dell inpiron laptop. im happy with it. im really happy with it.l but what im not happy with is the fact that every timwe someone came up to me and said so whats next, where are you going to college or anything like that i didnt have a response that i wanted. i had to say im not sure, im still up in the air, maybe online classes i dont know. so here i am, confused lost and i dont know. i just hate this feeling. i feel like i am way behind everyone i feel like im stupid and like i am a failure. i dont know what to do and i am scared. =[ i am sooooo scared.... siggh....

friendship

"a friend is someone who knows everything about us, yet loves us anyways"

i have had a lot of friends through the years. some set up tent in my heart and others just were passing through. some made a huge impact others just left a foot print. i consider myself a freidnly person. it normally doesnt take me long to make friends. im naturallt friendly and outgoing. even after everything i have been through, i still dont like not trusting people. that may be where par of my problem lies. in my great amount of trust in people in general. i have been hurt alot. but i dont like not trusting people if i dont have a reason not to trust them.

i have a few friends that have pretty much laid laim to part of my heart and will always be there. they are the ones that i trust the most, the ones i can tell anything to and the ones that i love unconditionally. as i write this i have about 4 or 5 people come to mind.

i try not to judge. i am the kind of person who kinda fits into every 'clique' becasue i dont hang out with just one group of people. i dont like doind that. i have alot of friends.

this has just kind of been a random post for today. i had friends on my mind and decided that would be the topic for today.

so to all my awesome friends i love you soo much!!!!!

<3
f&a
Ash

happiness

sometimes pure happiness is a stretch. its hard to reach. impossible to acheive and given up on. happiness is what you make it. i know for me, its been hard. but i am starting to be determined to reach it. right now. i have the shittiest family life ever. but, i have the best boyfriend, an amazing 'sister', and the best friends that i could ask for. it seems like each time my family does somethign i retreat to friends, im getting to the point where i just want out. i honestly think i would be happier if i didnt have to deal with family all of the time. now and then maybe but all the time is killing me. i need time and space.

im shooting for that happiness. im reaching and eventually i will reach it.


the stars in the sky
shine
the breeze of the night
cool
the touch of your hand
soft
the beat of your heart
love
the smile on your lips
sweet
your arms around me
safe
the kiss of your lips
intoxicating
you and me together
forever
i love you


happiness
is being with the ones you love
happiness
is smiling
happiness
is knowing someone cares
happiness
is determination
happiness is me
happiness is you
happiness is us
happiness
impossible? no
unreachable? no
happiness
is love
kindness
sharing
friends
happiness
forever



i love you guys!
<3

F&A
Ash

suicide

this is a tough subject to talk about. when i went through middle school and beginning of high school i thought about it, alot. and i know that i have atleast one friend who is now.. and it hurts, it hurts alot. and i know she reads this and i know she knows who i am talking about

suicide is nothing but a permanent solution to a temporary problem. things like this come and go. things like this will happen but in the long run your life will be what you want it to be if you go after it. you need to be persistant and aggressive. show the world that you are here and you mean business kick those douche bags in the ass and say look here, i am in charge. girl, you are beautiful you are wonderful and you are young. YOUNG! your too young to try to ruin what you have. yeah when life gets rough... oh well, my mom went to a mental instituion when i was about 12, for trying to commit suicide. i know the realisticness of what can happen. i still remeber walking in the house and seeing my mom lying on the floor foaming at the mouth and surrounded by vomit. she passed out, i remeber those images vividly, vidid as a 12 year old i stood there shocked, i blamed myself for what happend i thought that i must have done somethign wrong. the woman who raised me, the woman who now when i look back, i see that she hurt me more than i could ever hurt her.

suicide is REAL. and you are soo young its not even funny to joke about. not at all.you are 14 and i would be killed if i found out you tried to commit suicide. killed. i dont think i could ever go on.

please hunny look at what you have. look at what you are what you can be. you are one of the most amazing people i know. i love you.

my eyes wander
i see the knife
resting
slightly tilted on the counter
my body tightens
i see the rope
coiled
tightly bound at the foot of the stairs
tears sting
i hear the water
filling
spilling over the sides of the tub
i fall to my knees
i smell the powder
the gun
its cocked and waiting
i scream in pain
i cry
my heart aches at
the want
the need
the love
i crave
i crave you
i crave freedom
form myself
from my pain
from you
freedom.
i stand
i turn
i walk
to the door and i leave
leave it all
but this life
i dont leave
this life is mine
and No one
No one
will ever take that from me


sissy. i love you. god loves you. and im always here for you. and if you are ever ready, im ready to kick some fucking ass.

Pissed and worried,
Shlee

life

my family is possibly one of the most degrading families i know and frankly i hate them. i need out know.

>.~

PAIN

pain
it cuts deep
pain
steals your sleep
pain
it captivates
pain
it suffocates
pain
it never goes
pain
it always shows
pain
it swallows me
pain
i cant get free


SISTERS

sisters
its such a simple word
but it means so much
it means love
and hope
and trust
and bonds
bonds never to be broken
trust always to share
hope to last forever
and love to always care
sister
i have one
shes not by blood
imaginary
but closer than anyone
we share pain
we share love
we share smiles
we share hugs
we are two
bonded to one
we are sisters
forever will be
through thick and thin
we will be
just as kin
blood to blood
sisters at heart
to my sissy
Ryanne
i promise to protect
and care
and love
i promise to be here
for you
you are my little sister
i blood, heart and tears
i will be here
to calm all your fears
to hold all your hurt
so that you may be whole
to grasp all the wants
and grant them to you
for sister will be
always true
to you Ryanne
i write this within
engraved in my heart
for always to stay
Future, present, past
Ry and Ash
Sisters for life!

I love you sissy!! <3 >.~

i think thats all for now, for some odd reason i have a feeling im gonnna make someone cry.. lol sowwys sissy!

F&A
Ash

sigh

yeah, sigh. last night was hectic and scary. i wasnt sure where everything was going to go, i knew what i wanted to happen but i was afraid it wasnt going to happen.. i think we MIGHT be on the track to getting to what i hoped. oh, you might not know the whole situation lets give a brief summation shall we..

okay, so i met a boy last august, 2 days after we met we started going out, we dated for almost 9 months then he broke up with me, he started likeing another girl. they started dating a week after he broke up with me, then they lasted less than a week, we dated again only hours after they broke up and this time for less than 24 hours. we were all single for about 2 weeks and then as of last night me and him got back together and all through out this whole thing me and the girl have becom like sisters. and she is one of his best friends. so.. here we are... it is one confusing mess, thats for sure. but last night the girl got upset, which i understand, but i was so scared that i was going to lose both of them i was panicking.

i think everything is worked out now, i hope anyways. so i guess this is prob just the first of many other posts about my confusing f'd up life lol =] oh well

F&A
Ashley

pain..

“Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.”


i figured this would be a good place to start. pain, yeah its there. you cant avoid it. you cant get away from it. and its bound to happen to everyone it is part of life. if everything was rainbows and butterflies we wouldnt have anything.

im sorry i hurt you. im sorry that this had to happen. i knew that no matter what happened in the end someone was going to get hurt. i know you are allowed to be hurt, i know you are. heartbreak does hurt and eventually the pain starts to subside, and i know itll take awhile. im sorry that you had to be part of it. neither of us want you to go and neither of us want you out of our lives or for you to be the third wheel. we both love you as a best friend and for me as a sister. you are a very important peice of my life and without you i dont know what i would do.

i know things are going to be rough but we can make it. i promise. through thick and thin no matter what we will last. please forgive us. please id die without you in my life. i love you sissy. and youll go through a lot of hardships in your life, which i know that you know. this is just something eventually you will get over. we are always and will always be here for you. boys come and go, sisters last forever.

idiot

idiot...am i an idiot? apparently according to my family i am a failure. i am a waste and i am a disappointment. i have alot of bad luck. alot. and alot of it has to do with vehicles. most of the time, it is not my fault. stuff goes wrong, but yet everyone decides to blame me. yeah i dont know what i want to do and what plans i have or anything but everyone keeps throwing all of my problems in my face. all of them. and it hurts each time they do it stings more and more. and everyone wonders why i want to move out and get away from my family. i want a life of my own., it is my life and i can do with it what i want. but no one seems to get that. i cant live by what everyone else does or thinks or wants. ITS MY LIFE! yesterday i was called an idiot and a brat. they dont know anything that goes on in my life, they dont know the things i go through. they dont know the struggle that i have everyday when i wake up. i will not hurt myself but every time they say stuff like that to me it adds to the pain. it adds to the struggle. i cried yesterday. everything yesterday. it was horrible. the words that my family uses to lash oput at me hurt worse than my enemy. the words of loved ones sting worse than those of anyone else i know. i graduate today. i could be free. i could move. my dad will be gone until tuesday, imagine the lo0ok on his face when he comes home if im gone.... one day, i will be gone. i will really be gone. there are maybe two or three people i would tell where im going... but when im gone what will they do then. goodbye...

Forever&Always
Ashley

how soon do midlife crisis start?

so here i am 18 and having a midlife crisis...sounds ridiculous right? yeah thought so. sigh, well basically i feel like im losing myself. who was me to begin with. and if im losing me where did i go? im 18 and in 2 days i will be a highschool graduatee. i should be excited and happy, but here i am. depressed and alone. alone. not technically i guess, yeah i have friends, lot of them, but i still feel alone. i dont know what i want with my life or where i want to go. im seriously at a cross roads with dead ends on each choice. each road is covered in rocks and cracks and each is a maze of thistles and vines i have to choose one but i know that no matter which path i take im going to get hurt and lose myself along the way, there has to be a path that takes me where im supposed to go, a path that leads me to happiness and myself. but which path do i take?
i have already ended my self pain. ive tryed fixing things with people ive hurt ive tried stopping the pain i feel and ive tried to be strong. i tell myself im beautiful and wonderful and that one day some guy will come along and see that. some day a guy will look at me and say 'damn, that girl is going to be mine' a guy thats going to treat me right, family that going to love me no matter the mistakes i make and friends who will always stand by my side with a smile on their faces saying cheer up buttercup everything will be okay. but as i sit here writing this im sitting across from my ex boyfriend my best friend and the guy i like, sounds like trouble huh? well what do you do when those people are all the same person, what then? thats where the drama starts, thats where the pain keeps coming back. its hard to love someone when they dont love you back. but what can you do? love is love. and whether you want to give it to that person or not your hearts going to tell you differently. right now my heart wants that person sitting across from me. but he doesnt want me back. the complications in my feelings and his are overwhelming. if only there was some sign that would cleary say "hey over here! yeah get back with her already' but my luck would never be that great, what have i done to deserve his love. what have i done to have him in my life. what have i done to deserve anything. im a disappointment to my family and a failure to my friendss. and to him...ah to him.. i dont know what i am to him or what i will be. i have faith i have hope and in my dreams i have him. but in reality i dont. in reality im a naive girl with a crush on a boy. and i feel like my grip on reality is slipping. like my im on the end of a slowly shortening leash. and who is on the other side, i dont know. do i want to know? im not sure. how much more i can take. not alot...

god gave me you..

i know ive been posting alot lately. but i have alot going on. this is my way of venting i suppose, and i appreciate anyone who reads this. for now im just going to speak somethings on my mind.

first off, today was officially my last day as a highschool student. thats right i am graduating. im ready. im nervous and i guarentee ill cry before all is said and done. but what can i say, ive known most of these people for atleast er years of my life. we have a past whether we want one or not. but sadly, the ones i graduate with arent the ones im really going to miss. im going to miss all of my friends who arent graduating. this semester in general, i have become really close to alot of underclassmen. and its all of you that i will miss.
>alypie: my god girl. you are one of my best friends. i am so protective of you and you know that. you will always be like my little sister. and i know your going to be homeschooled next year so we can hang out fo sho >.<
>haley ann: oh you are one of the people that know alot about my past too. and i knoe next year will be hard seeing as a bunch of us are leaving. but youll make it and ill always be here if you need anything!
>ashley jordan: ashley^2 lol. dont know how to do that on here but you are one of the most fun people i know and you sometimes share a litlle too much, but that is okay, we love you anyways =)
>dylan:you are crazy but fun to be around im gonna miss you little freshman buddy, i really hope you dont leave and go to florida i will be super sad.
>tyler: i know this has been a new found friendship but we sparked it quickly. you are a really cool guy and really fun to hang out with. =)
>to everyone else: jazmin, jr,hell i dont think i could name you all if i wanted. im going to miss you all. you are the people who keep me on my feet and i appreciate everything youve done for me. i love you guys!

a thought that has always crossed my mind. what happens when the world becomes no more. i know we will be in heaven or hell depending onr your lifestyle but what happens when there is nothing what happens? do we know where we will be do we know what happens next...think about it...its scary..

this i heard from a girl that i very much admire. i have only met her once but she impacted me greatly. 'think about life like a mosaic. when you look at a mosaic you see all of the broken cracks, the different colors and look at a vase its plane. well god makes you like a mosaic he keeps breaking you down to make you stronge and more beautiful. you place a candle in a vase and the light stays there you place a candle in a mosaic and the reflects and shoots different colors and rays of light in all directions. you want to be like a mosaic so you can shine the light of god on other people. god is making you into a mosaic. you are beautiful'. thank you dana. =)

these are just a few thoughts on my mind.

i promise

i quit it all today. i promise.
~ashley

pics..

time..

sigh. thats all i have to do is sigh. the tress i have had the past like month, its killing me. i can now officially say i am done with classes as a highschool student. that, believe me is a huge sigh of relief. but im afraid the worst still may be yet to come.. im scared. as i posted earlier today, i have picked up on habits that i need to quit. they have been picked up not long ago but i can seem to really stop. i know that people dont like it, but i dont think i am doing it to hurt myself, im doing it when i get upset or scared or stressed or even bored.. which i know isnt good at all.

the flipping the bands happened shortly after i started getting them.. i now have about 60 i wear everyday, which isnt good... it makes it worse... i still cant stop it. i do it all of the time. i dont know that a whole lot of people know that.. i know 0ne who sees me do it every now and then, but he doesnt know all of the time, and sadly as im writing this i have a feeling he will find out...

the scratching i started about a week or two ago. i just seriously had an itch on my arm and just didnt stop, the first time i started i was with greg and i kinda just went blank. he grabbed my wrist and stopped me. but ever since then it just kinda happens.

i thought i got out of the whole self harm thing, but im afraid im going to lead myself right back into it.... and there are seriously only two people that know about all fo this stuff... and i am pretty sure thye both are going to read this... im scared..

im scared of what they will do. and they know who they are. im sorry. im trying to stop. i do it subconsiously. sigh... enough of that stuff... onto another note...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

love...

yeah, its tough. i got that now.. yeah, i fell in love for the first time about 10 months ago.. we lasted 9 of those months. he broke up with me... dont ask details i dont know how to explain them... we are still best friends. im closer to him than i have ever been/ will ever be with anyone... i finally got him to talk and tell me about what will happen as he knows it.

he said there is alot of stuff about me that he loves. and that he doesnt want me to change in that way at all. but alot of the problems of us possibly getting back together are the problems i have. the times i get upset over the smallest things and the extremes of me being emotional. im trying soo hard to be happy. i want to be happy and fun to be around. becasue, frankly, i really want him back. ive learned alot from our breakup and i have learned alot about myself and my life. but i still love him. i am truly and honestly in love with him.....

'can we pretend the airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, i can really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now....'

LOST, Ashley

help??

just a thought while its on my mind...

sigh, well, here goes...ive become addicted to those animal bandz...and i seriously have like 60...but anyways...when i get nervous, ive picked up two habits, scratching and flipping the bands....and im becoming to the point where i do it without thinking, im seriously scared....help please..someone...

when i grow up... i don't wanna...

sigh. here i am, 18 years old and a high school senior. i have 3 days of school left and a week until i will be walking across that stage receiving MY diploma. and guess what.... I am utterly, completely, absolutely, totally, entirely, wholly, undeniably terrified. that's right, i am scared. i dont know what to do with my life, i dont know where i want to go, and i dont know what i am here for. im scared. okay, laugh if you want to.. im sure some will. but here i am, sitting here, lost. im lost. i have so many things that i like doing, but i dont see me excelling and creating a career out of them. ive thought about it alot, and its true, i am lost. help?....

any words of wisdom, or thoughts?
im not enrolled for a college, im thinking of taking time off but i dont know. i need lots of help...

thats all my thoughts for now

A&F
Ash >.~

my attempt at artisitcness..

poems >.<

all written on 5/20/2010



Sacrifice

just as the water hits the floor
i hear my voice cry out
i dont think i can do this anymore
i vagely scram and shout
the whispers of the broken cries
echo in my head
all i see are your bloodshot eye
looking at thw dead
the broken mangled bloody boy
was writhing there in pain
you played with fate like a toy
as i stood crying in the rain
i heard a cry whether his or mine
is unbenounced to me
i fall, i stumble lost in time
and collapse, begging to be free
i hear the heartbeat of you
as i begin to fall asleep
my dreams they steal my thoughts too
just like the promises you keep
for i am broken shattered scarred
as all the pain you share
for its my life but i live it barred
but its him who didnt care
for my innocence isstolen now
by a power a boy craved
i wanted out but didnt know how
my freedom was all the rave
but you came throuh to save me
\with a sacrifice too
but what is it that you dont see
is that im in love with you
and to pay the price for me alone
is not worth your life
for when i know that you are gone
my heart will meet a knife

thats all for now, back to class..

Ash >.~

& in the beginning

So where do I begin? good question. I suppose ill begin with the most recent events in my life. A brief background maybe. yep, thats what i'll do. maybe you know me, maybe you don't, but soon you will.

My Family: I have never been super close to my family. ya know, i have that typical mom, dad and siblings thing going on, or i did. At the end of May 2009, my mom informed me and my brothers (joey, 24 & Andy, 21) that she was going to move out for a while. i didn't know details at that point, but being 18 years old and hearing that the family i knew was going to be split up, i bawled. i went to my friend jessica's house and bawled. when finally i calmed down, i was starting to accept it. i still didn't want to talk to my mom. it was her fault. she split up my family, OUR family. how could she! how! did she not understand what this did to a kid.. well, not so much a kid, but i felt like a kid. i was helpless. i felt alone and unprotected. I told myself when ever anyone elses families split up that it would NEVER happen to me. my parents have been together for years... 23 to be exact... 23 years... it wouldnt happen to me.
i cried myself to sleep that night. that next day i am sitting in the living room and my mom and dad are there too. my dad is sitting at the computer being too quiet. my mom sitting 0n the couch looking nervous. i keep to myself. She decides to ask me how i am. really?! how i am... like thats a serious question. i jerk my head around and i sware daggers flew from my eyes. i glared at her and somehow managed to choke out an answer.. "are you serious?" shes quiet for a moment longer. this conversation i remeber exactly.. ill never forget..

Mom: well, I have something to tell you.
Me: what.
Mom: i've been seeing someone
Me: *silence* so you've been cheating on dad?
Mom: yes.

the moment that conversation ended, my head spun. i ran to my room and slammed by door. my hands trembled as i tried to dial on my phone. my heart was racing and my vision blurred. i shook, i uncontrolably shook. finally i was able to hit call. jessica answered on the second ring, typical for her. i tried to talk, tried to explain but all that came out were sobs. i heard her pan icked voice telling me to calm down but it didnt register. i panicked, i fell onto my bed crying. i dropped the phone and it hung up. she called me back three more times before i could answer. she told me to take deep breaths and get dressed and get to her house as soon as possible. at this point i am 17. i hung up and made myself somewhat presentable... somewhat. i walked out to the living room said i was going to jessicas and left. i arrived to her house, still shaking. as soon as i saw her i collapsed and cried. she went in and got a box of tissues. i used the whole box. i sat there on the back of her truck for hours. time passed slowly as i sat there just crying. how could she cheat on my dad?! my daddy... yes ima daddys girl, how could she hurt him. if this is how i am, imagine how he is, oh my god! my dad... what will he do.... this is all he knows.. this is all i know! what will we do, will life go on? my oldest brother was to be married in august, the wedding will suck.. how could she ruin something like this right before my brothers biggest day of his life..i hate her.. i hated her so much. i refused to talk to her. it took me almost a year to want to talk to her again.. i still dont have the same relationship with her that i used to have, im not sure i ever will.

they finalized the divorce in january, and just like that everything, all the pain all came back all over again. i cried. i cried at everything, every little thing thata made me think about them, i bawled. i had people to go to, but it wasnt the release i needed. i needed something. i refused to let myself get caught back into that place again. i wouldnt allow it. so i kept myself occupied with other things..

in May of 2009, i wasnt able to distract myself. so i did use that release. im ashamed of myself. i hate myself for what i did. but it felt good. i felt really good. i bled. to any firends that do that to themselves, it hits home hard. thats why i get upset, i dont know that any of you will ever read this, but i know what you are going through. i have been there. more recently than any of you may know. im sorry. i may be hypocritical, but if you dont do it, it makes it easier for me to keep from doing it. so alypie, i love you and please dont hurt yourself. =/

the pain i create for myself and others is, astonishing. i realize what im doing but i cant stop myself from doing it. to all those that i have caused pain im sorry, for all of those that i hurt, please dont be mad. im trying. i really am trying. forgive me.

to all of you who know me, this is stuff you may not know, to all that dont your on the same boat as others. i dont know how much ill write here today, what all i want to release to you. but im going to give a few shout outs.

Jessica: you have ALWAYS been here for me, always, and im sorry that i was never comfortable sharing this with you. your quick to judge and sometimes thats not what i want.. im sorry, you will see where all this goes if you read it.

Brummet: you are like my protective older brother (even though im older than you). i apprectiate all of the times that were there to defend me. =]

Gregory: theres so much i could say here and so much i think when i say oyur name. you were my first love, and i assume eventually this story will be on here too. but i love you, i always will. and i trust you unconditionally. thank you so much for everything you have given me. you have been the biggest influence on my life. thank you

Ryanne: you are anew found friend and my little sister. everything you have been through, i know. i have been there and i will always be here if you want someone to talk to. i promise to not judge and to be understanding. i have no place to judge.

thats all for now, thank you everyone for being here for me. we will have more to come later. =]

Love
Always & forever,

Ash >.~