suicide

this is a tough subject to talk about. when i went through middle school and beginning of high school i thought about it, alot. and i know that i have atleast one friend who is now.. and it hurts, it hurts alot. and i know she reads this and i know she knows who i am talking about

suicide is nothing but a permanent solution to a temporary problem. things like this come and go. things like this will happen but in the long run your life will be what you want it to be if you go after it. you need to be persistant and aggressive. show the world that you are here and you mean business kick those douche bags in the ass and say look here, i am in charge. girl, you are beautiful you are wonderful and you are young. YOUNG! your too young to try to ruin what you have. yeah when life gets rough... oh well, my mom went to a mental instituion when i was about 12, for trying to commit suicide. i know the realisticness of what can happen. i still remeber walking in the house and seeing my mom lying on the floor foaming at the mouth and surrounded by vomit. she passed out, i remeber those images vividly, vidid as a 12 year old i stood there shocked, i blamed myself for what happend i thought that i must have done somethign wrong. the woman who raised me, the woman who now when i look back, i see that she hurt me more than i could ever hurt her.

suicide is REAL. and you are soo young its not even funny to joke about. not at all.you are 14 and i would be killed if i found out you tried to commit suicide. killed. i dont think i could ever go on.

please hunny look at what you have. look at what you are what you can be. you are one of the most amazing people i know. i love you.

my eyes wander
i see the knife
resting
slightly tilted on the counter
my body tightens
i see the rope
coiled
tightly bound at the foot of the stairs
tears sting
i hear the water
filling
spilling over the sides of the tub
i fall to my knees
i smell the powder
the gun
its cocked and waiting
i scream in pain
i cry
my heart aches at
the want
the need
the love
i crave
i crave you
i crave freedom
form myself
from my pain
from you
freedom.
i stand
i turn
i walk
to the door and i leave
leave it all
but this life
i dont leave
this life is mine
and No one
No one
will ever take that from me


sissy. i love you. god loves you. and im always here for you. and if you are ever ready, im ready to kick some fucking ass.

Pissed and worried,
Shlee

life

my family is possibly one of the most degrading families i know and frankly i hate them. i need out know.

>.~

PAIN

pain
it cuts deep
pain
steals your sleep
pain
it captivates
pain
it suffocates
pain
it never goes
pain
it always shows
pain
it swallows me
pain
i cant get free


SISTERS

sisters
its such a simple word
but it means so much
it means love
and hope
and trust
and bonds
bonds never to be broken
trust always to share
hope to last forever
and love to always care
sister
i have one
shes not by blood
imaginary
but closer than anyone
we share pain
we share love
we share smiles
we share hugs
we are two
bonded to one
we are sisters
forever will be
through thick and thin
we will be
just as kin
blood to blood
sisters at heart
to my sissy
Ryanne
i promise to protect
and care
and love
i promise to be here
for you
you are my little sister
i blood, heart and tears
i will be here
to calm all your fears
to hold all your hurt
so that you may be whole
to grasp all the wants
and grant them to you
for sister will be
always true
to you Ryanne
i write this within
engraved in my heart
for always to stay
Future, present, past
Ry and Ash
Sisters for life!

I love you sissy!! <3 >.~

i think thats all for now, for some odd reason i have a feeling im gonnna make someone cry.. lol sowwys sissy!

F&A
Ash

sigh

yeah, sigh. last night was hectic and scary. i wasnt sure where everything was going to go, i knew what i wanted to happen but i was afraid it wasnt going to happen.. i think we MIGHT be on the track to getting to what i hoped. oh, you might not know the whole situation lets give a brief summation shall we..

okay, so i met a boy last august, 2 days after we met we started going out, we dated for almost 9 months then he broke up with me, he started likeing another girl. they started dating a week after he broke up with me, then they lasted less than a week, we dated again only hours after they broke up and this time for less than 24 hours. we were all single for about 2 weeks and then as of last night me and him got back together and all through out this whole thing me and the girl have becom like sisters. and she is one of his best friends. so.. here we are... it is one confusing mess, thats for sure. but last night the girl got upset, which i understand, but i was so scared that i was going to lose both of them i was panicking.

i think everything is worked out now, i hope anyways. so i guess this is prob just the first of many other posts about my confusing f'd up life lol =] oh well

F&A
Ashley

pain..

“Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.”


i figured this would be a good place to start. pain, yeah its there. you cant avoid it. you cant get away from it. and its bound to happen to everyone it is part of life. if everything was rainbows and butterflies we wouldnt have anything.

im sorry i hurt you. im sorry that this had to happen. i knew that no matter what happened in the end someone was going to get hurt. i know you are allowed to be hurt, i know you are. heartbreak does hurt and eventually the pain starts to subside, and i know itll take awhile. im sorry that you had to be part of it. neither of us want you to go and neither of us want you out of our lives or for you to be the third wheel. we both love you as a best friend and for me as a sister. you are a very important peice of my life and without you i dont know what i would do.

i know things are going to be rough but we can make it. i promise. through thick and thin no matter what we will last. please forgive us. please id die without you in my life. i love you sissy. and youll go through a lot of hardships in your life, which i know that you know. this is just something eventually you will get over. we are always and will always be here for you. boys come and go, sisters last forever.

idiot

idiot...am i an idiot? apparently according to my family i am a failure. i am a waste and i am a disappointment. i have alot of bad luck. alot. and alot of it has to do with vehicles. most of the time, it is not my fault. stuff goes wrong, but yet everyone decides to blame me. yeah i dont know what i want to do and what plans i have or anything but everyone keeps throwing all of my problems in my face. all of them. and it hurts each time they do it stings more and more. and everyone wonders why i want to move out and get away from my family. i want a life of my own., it is my life and i can do with it what i want. but no one seems to get that. i cant live by what everyone else does or thinks or wants. ITS MY LIFE! yesterday i was called an idiot and a brat. they dont know anything that goes on in my life, they dont know the things i go through. they dont know the struggle that i have everyday when i wake up. i will not hurt myself but every time they say stuff like that to me it adds to the pain. it adds to the struggle. i cried yesterday. everything yesterday. it was horrible. the words that my family uses to lash oput at me hurt worse than my enemy. the words of loved ones sting worse than those of anyone else i know. i graduate today. i could be free. i could move. my dad will be gone until tuesday, imagine the lo0ok on his face when he comes home if im gone.... one day, i will be gone. i will really be gone. there are maybe two or three people i would tell where im going... but when im gone what will they do then. goodbye...

Forever&Always
Ashley

how soon do midlife crisis start?

so here i am 18 and having a midlife crisis...sounds ridiculous right? yeah thought so. sigh, well basically i feel like im losing myself. who was me to begin with. and if im losing me where did i go? im 18 and in 2 days i will be a highschool graduatee. i should be excited and happy, but here i am. depressed and alone. alone. not technically i guess, yeah i have friends, lot of them, but i still feel alone. i dont know what i want with my life or where i want to go. im seriously at a cross roads with dead ends on each choice. each road is covered in rocks and cracks and each is a maze of thistles and vines i have to choose one but i know that no matter which path i take im going to get hurt and lose myself along the way, there has to be a path that takes me where im supposed to go, a path that leads me to happiness and myself. but which path do i take?
i have already ended my self pain. ive tryed fixing things with people ive hurt ive tried stopping the pain i feel and ive tried to be strong. i tell myself im beautiful and wonderful and that one day some guy will come along and see that. some day a guy will look at me and say 'damn, that girl is going to be mine' a guy thats going to treat me right, family that going to love me no matter the mistakes i make and friends who will always stand by my side with a smile on their faces saying cheer up buttercup everything will be okay. but as i sit here writing this im sitting across from my ex boyfriend my best friend and the guy i like, sounds like trouble huh? well what do you do when those people are all the same person, what then? thats where the drama starts, thats where the pain keeps coming back. its hard to love someone when they dont love you back. but what can you do? love is love. and whether you want to give it to that person or not your hearts going to tell you differently. right now my heart wants that person sitting across from me. but he doesnt want me back. the complications in my feelings and his are overwhelming. if only there was some sign that would cleary say "hey over here! yeah get back with her already' but my luck would never be that great, what have i done to deserve his love. what have i done to have him in my life. what have i done to deserve anything. im a disappointment to my family and a failure to my friendss. and to him...ah to him.. i dont know what i am to him or what i will be. i have faith i have hope and in my dreams i have him. but in reality i dont. in reality im a naive girl with a crush on a boy. and i feel like my grip on reality is slipping. like my im on the end of a slowly shortening leash. and who is on the other side, i dont know. do i want to know? im not sure. how much more i can take. not alot...