fml

wow, so my dad sure knows how to make things better. sitting in my room things were fine, until i got a freaking ridiculously painful migrain/tooth ache/ ear ache.. im already crying, boyfriends with me too. he decideds he is going to be a complete ass (dad not bf). he freaking embarrasses me, and yells at me. not even caring that im in pain crying and my bf is there. so, in turn i start bawling like no other. fml.. thanks dad.. and you wonder why the hell i want to get away from here asap...
Ashley

hello summer.

so, ive been pretty stressed during school and the very first part of summer, but for now, ive been surprisingly content. things havent been too bad and ive been pretty happy. after my open house i was all happy because of my presents. they are awesome. ive been getting up to go to the farm and work with animals with my best friend and my boyfriend. i mean honestly who could ask for a better situation on that.

things are going well getting animals ready for the most part, we still have a few we really need to hit hard, cattle r doing good, but we need to start walking them farther. those are the only things i have signed up for hthis year, making it eaier on me. although, im super excited that i am a 10 year 4-Her so that my cow, when i sell him,should go for tons more =] hehe.

ive gotten to camp for the first time ever this summer. it was kinda just a little thing. we stayed in a tent, but it wasnt true true camping, but it was fun. im glad i got to go. now i really want to be able to go fishing for the first time too. and i want to go horsebcak riding sometime this summer. i havent been in like 2 years its killin me.

presents from my open house: i got a brand nnew dell inspiron laptop from my grandparents, i got an aloe plant form one of my friends =], i got a photo album from a friend, i got a sapphire and diamond cross necklace with matching earrings from my mom, i got a picture frame that says '2010' and each number is a slot for a pic and a bunch of random things i did from first grade from my first grade teacher, i got a silver amethyst necklace and earring set from my amazing boyfriend!, and i got a bunch of money i think if you add everything i got together before, during and after my open house its about $600.

hanging with friends, coming home late at night =] ahhh i love summer and the freedom to do this. half the time i come home and my dads already in bed. i hate being home and being bored, thats partly why im writing this right nbow, but oh well lol. so i do all i can to stay out late at night and avoid home. =] worksd for the most part i do have to say.


next week! woo i cant wait for next week. im leaving for a week to go to tennessee to CIY camp. it is a youth church camp, im so excited i can not wait! although it will be a really long drive but oh well lol. its a week away from here to relax. yays!!

well lets see, anything else? oh im driving my dads truck because my blazer has no brakes, sooo yeah, well now im gonna do a few random things! =D


“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

lost

so.. today i ahd my graduation open house. it was good i made out well. i got over 300 dollars and i got several presents including a brand new dell inpiron laptop. im happy with it. im really happy with it.l but what im not happy with is the fact that every timwe someone came up to me and said so whats next, where are you going to college or anything like that i didnt have a response that i wanted. i had to say im not sure, im still up in the air, maybe online classes i dont know. so here i am, confused lost and i dont know. i just hate this feeling. i feel like i am way behind everyone i feel like im stupid and like i am a failure. i dont know what to do and i am scared. =[ i am sooooo scared.... siggh....

friendship

"a friend is someone who knows everything about us, yet loves us anyways"

i have had a lot of friends through the years. some set up tent in my heart and others just were passing through. some made a huge impact others just left a foot print. i consider myself a freidnly person. it normally doesnt take me long to make friends. im naturallt friendly and outgoing. even after everything i have been through, i still dont like not trusting people. that may be where par of my problem lies. in my great amount of trust in people in general. i have been hurt alot. but i dont like not trusting people if i dont have a reason not to trust them.

i have a few friends that have pretty much laid laim to part of my heart and will always be there. they are the ones that i trust the most, the ones i can tell anything to and the ones that i love unconditionally. as i write this i have about 4 or 5 people come to mind.

i try not to judge. i am the kind of person who kinda fits into every 'clique' becasue i dont hang out with just one group of people. i dont like doind that. i have alot of friends.

this has just kind of been a random post for today. i had friends on my mind and decided that would be the topic for today.

so to all my awesome friends i love you soo much!!!!!

<3
f&a
Ash

happiness

sometimes pure happiness is a stretch. its hard to reach. impossible to acheive and given up on. happiness is what you make it. i know for me, its been hard. but i am starting to be determined to reach it. right now. i have the shittiest family life ever. but, i have the best boyfriend, an amazing 'sister', and the best friends that i could ask for. it seems like each time my family does somethign i retreat to friends, im getting to the point where i just want out. i honestly think i would be happier if i didnt have to deal with family all of the time. now and then maybe but all the time is killing me. i need time and space.

im shooting for that happiness. im reaching and eventually i will reach it.


the stars in the sky
shine
the breeze of the night
cool
the touch of your hand
soft
the beat of your heart
love
the smile on your lips
sweet
your arms around me
safe
the kiss of your lips
intoxicating
you and me together
forever
i love you


happiness
is being with the ones you love
happiness
is smiling
happiness
is knowing someone cares
happiness
is determination
happiness is me
happiness is you
happiness is us
happiness
impossible? no
unreachable? no
happiness
is love
kindness
sharing
friends
happiness
forever



i love you guys!
<3

F&A
Ash

suicide

this is a tough subject to talk about. when i went through middle school and beginning of high school i thought about it, alot. and i know that i have atleast one friend who is now.. and it hurts, it hurts alot. and i know she reads this and i know she knows who i am talking about

suicide is nothing but a permanent solution to a temporary problem. things like this come and go. things like this will happen but in the long run your life will be what you want it to be if you go after it. you need to be persistant and aggressive. show the world that you are here and you mean business kick those douche bags in the ass and say look here, i am in charge. girl, you are beautiful you are wonderful and you are young. YOUNG! your too young to try to ruin what you have. yeah when life gets rough... oh well, my mom went to a mental instituion when i was about 12, for trying to commit suicide. i know the realisticness of what can happen. i still remeber walking in the house and seeing my mom lying on the floor foaming at the mouth and surrounded by vomit. she passed out, i remeber those images vividly, vidid as a 12 year old i stood there shocked, i blamed myself for what happend i thought that i must have done somethign wrong. the woman who raised me, the woman who now when i look back, i see that she hurt me more than i could ever hurt her.

suicide is REAL. and you are soo young its not even funny to joke about. not at all.you are 14 and i would be killed if i found out you tried to commit suicide. killed. i dont think i could ever go on.

please hunny look at what you have. look at what you are what you can be. you are one of the most amazing people i know. i love you.

my eyes wander
i see the knife
resting
slightly tilted on the counter
my body tightens
i see the rope
coiled
tightly bound at the foot of the stairs
tears sting
i hear the water
filling
spilling over the sides of the tub
i fall to my knees
i smell the powder
the gun
its cocked and waiting
i scream in pain
i cry
my heart aches at
the want
the need
the love
i crave
i crave you
i crave freedom
form myself
from my pain
from you
freedom.
i stand
i turn
i walk
to the door and i leave
leave it all
but this life
i dont leave
this life is mine
and No one
No one
will ever take that from me


sissy. i love you. god loves you. and im always here for you. and if you are ever ready, im ready to kick some fucking ass.

Pissed and worried,
Shlee

life

my family is possibly one of the most degrading families i know and frankly i hate them. i need out know.