Thursday, September 30, 2010


im 19. i have a boyfreind. i have a job. but all in all, i am TERRIFIED. i dont know what i want out of life besides a husband and kids, but what else, i havent a clue. i dont know what i want to be and ive had recent events scare me so bad, i dont know what to do. close friend issues and other guys.. im just so lost, i feel like breaking down and crying. works been having problems and ive just been hanging on by a thread, before long im gonna fall flat... what do i do... help?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

THAT aha moment...

Yeah. You remember when, that time when the big 'Aha' moment just kinda hit you. for everyone its different. occasionally it takes a lot, and sometimes just a little. Or, maybe it takes repetition. For me, that moment came tonight. Today was an amazing day. After being sick for almost a week, I finally felt okay to go do something. I got up and went to church, and I went out to lunch after. The youth group got together and went to a lake and went swimming then we had a bonfire after. And that's when it happened at that bonfire. May not seem like much, I mean, who doesn't go to a bonfire at least once a year. But this, it was different. We hung out a little and ate hot dogs and s'mores. then we had a little devotional time. For those of you who have kept up even a little with my life, you know that I haven't really felt like my parents have cared about me for a long time. My preacher mentioned this last week, i went home and prayed then. Well, he told us all to think of something that we were thankful for to say out loud. When it got to me, i just kinda, spoke what came to mind. I told them that it would probably sound ridiculous, but that i am thankful for getting sick, because I finally feel like my parents care again. They stepped up. after that i had a talk with my preacher and another of the adults and it was really touching to be able to have someone to talk to. I then went and played with the other youth group in the pasture for a while, we came back to rest and started some campfire songs. It was while singing these songs, holding my amazing boyfriends hand, that it hit me. I have exactly what i want, exactly what i need. i have people that care, people that i can talk to. I have a boyfriend that is absolutely amazing, i couldn't ask for anything more, and tonight, my love for him burned deep. But, most importantly i realized that i have a God, an Amazing God, and the fact that he will ALWAYS be there for me, no matter what. my heart was so overwhelmed i lost it. i started crying. i am so happy right now, that i don't want to lose it. Right now, life is good. I'm healthy and happy, I have people that love and care about me. And i have God. I am complete. I love everyone. Thank you!

forever and always,
Ashley Yvonne (=

Friday, August 13, 2010

what is love..

the image of me in my future has always been the same in my mind, i love looking at me with greg and a family in our future. but in a matter of days that image became skewed. i became confused and lost and all in all i didnt know what to do. there is a guy friend of mine that i have been friends with since my freshman year, i found out about a month ago that he likes me and has liked me since my sophomore year. i was shocked but just kind of put it off, i was hanging out at his house on wednesday night and he kissed me,and i was kinda.. confused.. i told greg yesterday and things were a little rough at first but okayd out. thn i began not knowing who or what i wanted.. i didnt want to do to him what he did to me and i just got so caught up i lost it in front of him and spilled everythign that was going on in my head and it honestly really helped. he said that no matter what he just wants me happy, becasue whenever im happy he is really happy and i thought through everythign and have come to the conclusion that im going to forget the confusion from that kiss and stay where i am. he makes me happy and i love him. i dont want to try something just to end up back where we were three months ago.. i love you gregory!!


Sunday, August 1, 2010


Ask any person to describe to you the definition of perfection and each answer will vary. Perfection isn't a solid thing, you cant pinpoint the exacts of its very being. It is merely every individual persons idea of what is best and without flaws. The world has its general idea of perfection given in the form of models and magazines and other media, but that is only what the media has put into peoples heads of what is beautiful what is flawless and what everyone should look like. But is that really fair. people vary. everyone is different. we were made in gods eyes and to god every person is perfect.

Perfection can come in many different forms. physical. personality. attitude. life style. everything. there is only one person who was ever and will ever be truly perfect, Jesus. judging yourself against others is a sin. when it comes to judgment day god will not be comparing us to our friends, our neighbors, our family. he will merely look at how we lived our lives and if we followed faith. god does not expect us to be perfect so why is our world so obsessed with the idea of perfection and reaching it. you shouldn't want to be perfect. we will never be like Jesus, we are not worthy of it and to try and reach perfection as he was is wrong. we should accept that we cant be perfect and live our lives in His word.

perfection and envy is a huge problem with me. i want to be like that media perfect i want to be that girl on the cover of vogue and be gorgeous. I've always denied complements and flattery. i have gone through life believing i am ugly and will never be anything more. i have never had a supportive family life in self confidence, and that is hurting who i am today. but i have made a decision to change that. this is my promise to myself.

I promise, to always be true to who i am on the inside, to embrace the beauty God has given me, inside and out. I promise to accept when someone calls me beautiful or any other word in its liking. I promise to stay confident no matter who tries to pull me down. I promise to be faithful to my Father, my family, my friends, and any other relationships i encounter. I promise to be happy and remember that jealousy, envy, or any other sins are not worth the pain. I promise to look at life in the big picture and not fret about the small things. And I promise to not worry about tomorrow and let tomorrow worry about itself.

I know that i have friends that love me. I know that there are people who will always be in my life and care about who i am. i don't want to let them down, and i don't want to let myself down. so i make this promise now. =]

and i am happy to say that i am currently the happiest i have ever been in a long time.

Forever and always

Thursday, July 29, 2010


ive always gone through school not being the popular one but being happy with the amount of friends i had and the family life i had. i always seemed to have friends to hang out with, a family i could go to or family activities. i was happy with the people who surrounded me. ive had alot of 'friends'. not alot of super close ones though. and ive been happy with jumping from group to group. but you lose that after highschool. and i have. ive lost my loose net of friends. i still have friends but none that im super close to and want to spend a whole lot of time with. and im trying to get away from drama but it seems to follow and im losing friends to that too. and now my best friend is moving like 2 or 3 hrs away so ill be losing her.

then my 'lil sister' randomly stopped talking to me... and i dont know why and its killing me. i havent talked to her in like a month. i already dont get to see her. and now she wont even talk to me any.. it hurts. i miss her so much and yet she wont even say hi..

ive lost my mom, or the mom i used to have. my dad is more and more distant everyday, my brothers continue to be mean to me. i need to get a job i need to go to college. and im lost. i am down to one person to help me and i dont knw how much help he will be because he is in the same boat that i am. and im soo afraid somethign will happen between the two of us that im afraid to push anythign with him and hes already going to be leaving in a yr or 2 to go over 1000 miles away and he doesnt even want to take me with him, leaving me literally alone. i will be alone.

is that where im supposed to be....

Sunday, June 13, 2010


sigh. okay. im 18 and have only had about 4 boyfriends. never really serious until recently. ive never had a real relationship until this one either. and i love him completly unconditionally. but sometimes idk.. my emotions get in the way. and i dont know how to put things, or i get upset at the slightest things... sigh.... im kinda clingy.. i admit that. we spend ALOT of time together.. alot. but thats not really a problem i suppose. he is the only person i can spend litterally all my timw with and never get annoyed or anyhting, but the problems lies in the fact that most of my friends dont like him, so i dont spend alot of time with just my friends, but really they dont have a reason to not like him at all.

but i suppose whay im getting at is that if he reads this, which i hope he does, that i love him. i love him soo much. more than i can imagine. he holds the only key to my heart. we have been through rough times and rough situations, but i feel that in my heart we will last. he knows how i feel about him, im still unsure of his exact feelings for me, which yes, bothers me a little bit, i wsish that i knew exactly how he felt for me. but i cant make him know. and i want to say im sorry to him for anything ive ever done to make him upset or my emotions being ridiculous and me getting jealous or upset easily. im still a little wary of things because of what has happened, but i hope that we will be okay.

i love you Gregory! forever and always

in the arms of an angel
i look into his eyes
i see my life
and smile
from the kiss of an angel
i melt into bliss
i feel his heart
and sigh
from the wings of an angel
my fears diminish
i see my future
and jump

his eyes
im lost
his lips
his heart
his hands
hold me
his kiss
melts me
his arms
keep me safe
his smile
breaks my shell
he knows me
better than you
better than me
he loves me
for me
he protects me
he calls me beautiful
me asks me not to change
he knows what makes me happy
and sad
and angry
and he cares
my does he care
and i love him
for always


Saturday, June 12, 2010


do i live in your heart
do i bear your love
do i never fall apart
when you leve me
the last of my kisses the breaks of my hugs the end of my breath
i cry for you

do you beleive i am beautiful
do you believe i am smart
do you see the angel
that i try to be
with the kiss of my lips and the squeeze of my hugs and the scent of my breath
i cry for you

do we belong together
do we belong in each others arms
do we love each other
enough for god to see
with the kiss from his lips and the arms of a fathers hug and his breath of life
he crys for us

with the kiss
and a hug
with the breath
we will cry for you