suicide

this is a tough subject to talk about. when i went through middle school and beginning of high school i thought about it, alot. and i know that i have atleast one friend who is now.. and it hurts, it hurts alot. and i know she reads this and i know she knows who i am talking about

suicide is nothing but a permanent solution to a temporary problem. things like this come and go. things like this will happen but in the long run your life will be what you want it to be if you go after it. you need to be persistant and aggressive. show the world that you are here and you mean business kick those douche bags in the ass and say look here, i am in charge. girl, you are beautiful you are wonderful and you are young. YOUNG! your too young to try to ruin what you have. yeah when life gets rough... oh well, my mom went to a mental instituion when i was about 12, for trying to commit suicide. i know the realisticness of what can happen. i still remeber walking in the house and seeing my mom lying on the floor foaming at the mouth and surrounded by vomit. she passed out, i remeber those images vividly, vidid as a 12 year old i stood there shocked, i blamed myself for what happend i thought that i must have done somethign wrong. the woman who raised me, the woman who now when i look back, i see that she hurt me more than i could ever hurt her.

suicide is REAL. and you are soo young its not even funny to joke about. not at all.you are 14 and i would be killed if i found out you tried to commit suicide. killed. i dont think i could ever go on.

please hunny look at what you have. look at what you are what you can be. you are one of the most amazing people i know. i love you.

my eyes wander
i see the knife
resting
slightly tilted on the counter
my body tightens
i see the rope
coiled
tightly bound at the foot of the stairs
tears sting
i hear the water
filling
spilling over the sides of the tub
i fall to my knees
i smell the powder
the gun
its cocked and waiting
i scream in pain
i cry
my heart aches at
the want
the need
the love
i crave
i crave you
i crave freedom
form myself
from my pain
from you
freedom.
i stand
i turn
i walk
to the door and i leave
leave it all
but this life
i dont leave
this life is mine
and No one
No one
will ever take that from me


sissy. i love you. god loves you. and im always here for you. and if you are ever ready, im ready to kick some fucking ass.

Pissed and worried,
Shlee

life

my family is possibly one of the most degrading families i know and frankly i hate them. i need out know.

>.~

PAIN

pain
it cuts deep
pain
steals your sleep
pain
it captivates
pain
it suffocates
pain
it never goes
pain
it always shows
pain
it swallows me
pain
i cant get free


SISTERS

sisters
its such a simple word
but it means so much
it means love
and hope
and trust
and bonds
bonds never to be broken
trust always to share
hope to last forever
and love to always care
sister
i have one
shes not by blood
imaginary
but closer than anyone
we share pain
we share love
we share smiles
we share hugs
we are two
bonded to one
we are sisters
forever will be
through thick and thin
we will be
just as kin
blood to blood
sisters at heart
to my sissy
Ryanne
i promise to protect
and care
and love
i promise to be here
for you
you are my little sister
i blood, heart and tears
i will be here
to calm all your fears
to hold all your hurt
so that you may be whole
to grasp all the wants
and grant them to you
for sister will be
always true
to you Ryanne
i write this within
engraved in my heart
for always to stay
Future, present, past
Ry and Ash
Sisters for life!

I love you sissy!! <3 >.~

i think thats all for now, for some odd reason i have a feeling im gonnna make someone cry.. lol sowwys sissy!

F&A
Ash

sigh

yeah, sigh. last night was hectic and scary. i wasnt sure where everything was going to go, i knew what i wanted to happen but i was afraid it wasnt going to happen.. i think we MIGHT be on the track to getting to what i hoped. oh, you might not know the whole situation lets give a brief summation shall we..

okay, so i met a boy last august, 2 days after we met we started going out, we dated for almost 9 months then he broke up with me, he started likeing another girl. they started dating a week after he broke up with me, then they lasted less than a week, we dated again only hours after they broke up and this time for less than 24 hours. we were all single for about 2 weeks and then as of last night me and him got back together and all through out this whole thing me and the girl have becom like sisters. and she is one of his best friends. so.. here we are... it is one confusing mess, thats for sure. but last night the girl got upset, which i understand, but i was so scared that i was going to lose both of them i was panicking.

i think everything is worked out now, i hope anyways. so i guess this is prob just the first of many other posts about my confusing f'd up life lol =] oh well

F&A
Ashley

pain..

“Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust.”


i figured this would be a good place to start. pain, yeah its there. you cant avoid it. you cant get away from it. and its bound to happen to everyone it is part of life. if everything was rainbows and butterflies we wouldnt have anything.

im sorry i hurt you. im sorry that this had to happen. i knew that no matter what happened in the end someone was going to get hurt. i know you are allowed to be hurt, i know you are. heartbreak does hurt and eventually the pain starts to subside, and i know itll take awhile. im sorry that you had to be part of it. neither of us want you to go and neither of us want you out of our lives or for you to be the third wheel. we both love you as a best friend and for me as a sister. you are a very important peice of my life and without you i dont know what i would do.

i know things are going to be rough but we can make it. i promise. through thick and thin no matter what we will last. please forgive us. please id die without you in my life. i love you sissy. and youll go through a lot of hardships in your life, which i know that you know. this is just something eventually you will get over. we are always and will always be here for you. boys come and go, sisters last forever.

idiot

idiot...am i an idiot? apparently according to my family i am a failure. i am a waste and i am a disappointment. i have alot of bad luck. alot. and alot of it has to do with vehicles. most of the time, it is not my fault. stuff goes wrong, but yet everyone decides to blame me. yeah i dont know what i want to do and what plans i have or anything but everyone keeps throwing all of my problems in my face. all of them. and it hurts each time they do it stings more and more. and everyone wonders why i want to move out and get away from my family. i want a life of my own., it is my life and i can do with it what i want. but no one seems to get that. i cant live by what everyone else does or thinks or wants. ITS MY LIFE! yesterday i was called an idiot and a brat. they dont know anything that goes on in my life, they dont know the things i go through. they dont know the struggle that i have everyday when i wake up. i will not hurt myself but every time they say stuff like that to me it adds to the pain. it adds to the struggle. i cried yesterday. everything yesterday. it was horrible. the words that my family uses to lash oput at me hurt worse than my enemy. the words of loved ones sting worse than those of anyone else i know. i graduate today. i could be free. i could move. my dad will be gone until tuesday, imagine the lo0ok on his face when he comes home if im gone.... one day, i will be gone. i will really be gone. there are maybe two or three people i would tell where im going... but when im gone what will they do then. goodbye...

Forever&Always
Ashley

how soon do midlife crisis start?

so here i am 18 and having a midlife crisis...sounds ridiculous right? yeah thought so. sigh, well basically i feel like im losing myself. who was me to begin with. and if im losing me where did i go? im 18 and in 2 days i will be a highschool graduatee. i should be excited and happy, but here i am. depressed and alone. alone. not technically i guess, yeah i have friends, lot of them, but i still feel alone. i dont know what i want with my life or where i want to go. im seriously at a cross roads with dead ends on each choice. each road is covered in rocks and cracks and each is a maze of thistles and vines i have to choose one but i know that no matter which path i take im going to get hurt and lose myself along the way, there has to be a path that takes me where im supposed to go, a path that leads me to happiness and myself. but which path do i take?
i have already ended my self pain. ive tryed fixing things with people ive hurt ive tried stopping the pain i feel and ive tried to be strong. i tell myself im beautiful and wonderful and that one day some guy will come along and see that. some day a guy will look at me and say 'damn, that girl is going to be mine' a guy thats going to treat me right, family that going to love me no matter the mistakes i make and friends who will always stand by my side with a smile on their faces saying cheer up buttercup everything will be okay. but as i sit here writing this im sitting across from my ex boyfriend my best friend and the guy i like, sounds like trouble huh? well what do you do when those people are all the same person, what then? thats where the drama starts, thats where the pain keeps coming back. its hard to love someone when they dont love you back. but what can you do? love is love. and whether you want to give it to that person or not your hearts going to tell you differently. right now my heart wants that person sitting across from me. but he doesnt want me back. the complications in my feelings and his are overwhelming. if only there was some sign that would cleary say "hey over here! yeah get back with her already' but my luck would never be that great, what have i done to deserve his love. what have i done to have him in my life. what have i done to deserve anything. im a disappointment to my family and a failure to my friendss. and to him...ah to him.. i dont know what i am to him or what i will be. i have faith i have hope and in my dreams i have him. but in reality i dont. in reality im a naive girl with a crush on a boy. and i feel like my grip on reality is slipping. like my im on the end of a slowly shortening leash. and who is on the other side, i dont know. do i want to know? im not sure. how much more i can take. not alot...

god gave me you..

i know ive been posting alot lately. but i have alot going on. this is my way of venting i suppose, and i appreciate anyone who reads this. for now im just going to speak somethings on my mind.

first off, today was officially my last day as a highschool student. thats right i am graduating. im ready. im nervous and i guarentee ill cry before all is said and done. but what can i say, ive known most of these people for atleast er years of my life. we have a past whether we want one or not. but sadly, the ones i graduate with arent the ones im really going to miss. im going to miss all of my friends who arent graduating. this semester in general, i have become really close to alot of underclassmen. and its all of you that i will miss.
>alypie: my god girl. you are one of my best friends. i am so protective of you and you know that. you will always be like my little sister. and i know your going to be homeschooled next year so we can hang out fo sho >.<
>haley ann: oh you are one of the people that know alot about my past too. and i knoe next year will be hard seeing as a bunch of us are leaving. but youll make it and ill always be here if you need anything!
>ashley jordan: ashley^2 lol. dont know how to do that on here but you are one of the most fun people i know and you sometimes share a litlle too much, but that is okay, we love you anyways =)
>dylan:you are crazy but fun to be around im gonna miss you little freshman buddy, i really hope you dont leave and go to florida i will be super sad.
>tyler: i know this has been a new found friendship but we sparked it quickly. you are a really cool guy and really fun to hang out with. =)
>to everyone else: jazmin, jr,hell i dont think i could name you all if i wanted. im going to miss you all. you are the people who keep me on my feet and i appreciate everything youve done for me. i love you guys!

a thought that has always crossed my mind. what happens when the world becomes no more. i know we will be in heaven or hell depending onr your lifestyle but what happens when there is nothing what happens? do we know where we will be do we know what happens next...think about it...its scary..

this i heard from a girl that i very much admire. i have only met her once but she impacted me greatly. 'think about life like a mosaic. when you look at a mosaic you see all of the broken cracks, the different colors and look at a vase its plane. well god makes you like a mosaic he keeps breaking you down to make you stronge and more beautiful. you place a candle in a vase and the light stays there you place a candle in a mosaic and the reflects and shoots different colors and rays of light in all directions. you want to be like a mosaic so you can shine the light of god on other people. god is making you into a mosaic. you are beautiful'. thank you dana. =)

these are just a few thoughts on my mind.

i promise

i quit it all today. i promise.
~ashley

pics..

time..

sigh. thats all i have to do is sigh. the tress i have had the past like month, its killing me. i can now officially say i am done with classes as a highschool student. that, believe me is a huge sigh of relief. but im afraid the worst still may be yet to come.. im scared. as i posted earlier today, i have picked up on habits that i need to quit. they have been picked up not long ago but i can seem to really stop. i know that people dont like it, but i dont think i am doing it to hurt myself, im doing it when i get upset or scared or stressed or even bored.. which i know isnt good at all.

the flipping the bands happened shortly after i started getting them.. i now have about 60 i wear everyday, which isnt good... it makes it worse... i still cant stop it. i do it all of the time. i dont know that a whole lot of people know that.. i know 0ne who sees me do it every now and then, but he doesnt know all of the time, and sadly as im writing this i have a feeling he will find out...

the scratching i started about a week or two ago. i just seriously had an itch on my arm and just didnt stop, the first time i started i was with greg and i kinda just went blank. he grabbed my wrist and stopped me. but ever since then it just kinda happens.

i thought i got out of the whole self harm thing, but im afraid im going to lead myself right back into it.... and there are seriously only two people that know about all fo this stuff... and i am pretty sure thye both are going to read this... im scared..

im scared of what they will do. and they know who they are. im sorry. im trying to stop. i do it subconsiously. sigh... enough of that stuff... onto another note...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

love...

yeah, its tough. i got that now.. yeah, i fell in love for the first time about 10 months ago.. we lasted 9 of those months. he broke up with me... dont ask details i dont know how to explain them... we are still best friends. im closer to him than i have ever been/ will ever be with anyone... i finally got him to talk and tell me about what will happen as he knows it.

he said there is alot of stuff about me that he loves. and that he doesnt want me to change in that way at all. but alot of the problems of us possibly getting back together are the problems i have. the times i get upset over the smallest things and the extremes of me being emotional. im trying soo hard to be happy. i want to be happy and fun to be around. becasue, frankly, i really want him back. ive learned alot from our breakup and i have learned alot about myself and my life. but i still love him. i am truly and honestly in love with him.....

'can we pretend the airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, i can really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now....'

LOST, Ashley

help??

just a thought while its on my mind...

sigh, well, here goes...ive become addicted to those animal bandz...and i seriously have like 60...but anyways...when i get nervous, ive picked up two habits, scratching and flipping the bands....and im becoming to the point where i do it without thinking, im seriously scared....help please..someone...

when i grow up... i don't wanna...

sigh. here i am, 18 years old and a high school senior. i have 3 days of school left and a week until i will be walking across that stage receiving MY diploma. and guess what.... I am utterly, completely, absolutely, totally, entirely, wholly, undeniably terrified. that's right, i am scared. i dont know what to do with my life, i dont know where i want to go, and i dont know what i am here for. im scared. okay, laugh if you want to.. im sure some will. but here i am, sitting here, lost. im lost. i have so many things that i like doing, but i dont see me excelling and creating a career out of them. ive thought about it alot, and its true, i am lost. help?....

any words of wisdom, or thoughts?
im not enrolled for a college, im thinking of taking time off but i dont know. i need lots of help...

thats all my thoughts for now

A&F
Ash >.~

my attempt at artisitcness..

poems >.<

all written on 5/20/2010



Sacrifice

just as the water hits the floor
i hear my voice cry out
i dont think i can do this anymore
i vagely scram and shout
the whispers of the broken cries
echo in my head
all i see are your bloodshot eye
looking at thw dead
the broken mangled bloody boy
was writhing there in pain
you played with fate like a toy
as i stood crying in the rain
i heard a cry whether his or mine
is unbenounced to me
i fall, i stumble lost in time
and collapse, begging to be free
i hear the heartbeat of you
as i begin to fall asleep
my dreams they steal my thoughts too
just like the promises you keep
for i am broken shattered scarred
as all the pain you share
for its my life but i live it barred
but its him who didnt care
for my innocence isstolen now
by a power a boy craved
i wanted out but didnt know how
my freedom was all the rave
but you came throuh to save me
\with a sacrifice too
but what is it that you dont see
is that im in love with you
and to pay the price for me alone
is not worth your life
for when i know that you are gone
my heart will meet a knife

thats all for now, back to class..

Ash >.~

& in the beginning

So where do I begin? good question. I suppose ill begin with the most recent events in my life. A brief background maybe. yep, thats what i'll do. maybe you know me, maybe you don't, but soon you will.

My Family: I have never been super close to my family. ya know, i have that typical mom, dad and siblings thing going on, or i did. At the end of May 2009, my mom informed me and my brothers (joey, 24 & Andy, 21) that she was going to move out for a while. i didn't know details at that point, but being 18 years old and hearing that the family i knew was going to be split up, i bawled. i went to my friend jessica's house and bawled. when finally i calmed down, i was starting to accept it. i still didn't want to talk to my mom. it was her fault. she split up my family, OUR family. how could she! how! did she not understand what this did to a kid.. well, not so much a kid, but i felt like a kid. i was helpless. i felt alone and unprotected. I told myself when ever anyone elses families split up that it would NEVER happen to me. my parents have been together for years... 23 to be exact... 23 years... it wouldnt happen to me.
i cried myself to sleep that night. that next day i am sitting in the living room and my mom and dad are there too. my dad is sitting at the computer being too quiet. my mom sitting 0n the couch looking nervous. i keep to myself. She decides to ask me how i am. really?! how i am... like thats a serious question. i jerk my head around and i sware daggers flew from my eyes. i glared at her and somehow managed to choke out an answer.. "are you serious?" shes quiet for a moment longer. this conversation i remeber exactly.. ill never forget..

Mom: well, I have something to tell you.
Me: what.
Mom: i've been seeing someone
Me: *silence* so you've been cheating on dad?
Mom: yes.

the moment that conversation ended, my head spun. i ran to my room and slammed by door. my hands trembled as i tried to dial on my phone. my heart was racing and my vision blurred. i shook, i uncontrolably shook. finally i was able to hit call. jessica answered on the second ring, typical for her. i tried to talk, tried to explain but all that came out were sobs. i heard her pan icked voice telling me to calm down but it didnt register. i panicked, i fell onto my bed crying. i dropped the phone and it hung up. she called me back three more times before i could answer. she told me to take deep breaths and get dressed and get to her house as soon as possible. at this point i am 17. i hung up and made myself somewhat presentable... somewhat. i walked out to the living room said i was going to jessicas and left. i arrived to her house, still shaking. as soon as i saw her i collapsed and cried. she went in and got a box of tissues. i used the whole box. i sat there on the back of her truck for hours. time passed slowly as i sat there just crying. how could she cheat on my dad?! my daddy... yes ima daddys girl, how could she hurt him. if this is how i am, imagine how he is, oh my god! my dad... what will he do.... this is all he knows.. this is all i know! what will we do, will life go on? my oldest brother was to be married in august, the wedding will suck.. how could she ruin something like this right before my brothers biggest day of his life..i hate her.. i hated her so much. i refused to talk to her. it took me almost a year to want to talk to her again.. i still dont have the same relationship with her that i used to have, im not sure i ever will.

they finalized the divorce in january, and just like that everything, all the pain all came back all over again. i cried. i cried at everything, every little thing thata made me think about them, i bawled. i had people to go to, but it wasnt the release i needed. i needed something. i refused to let myself get caught back into that place again. i wouldnt allow it. so i kept myself occupied with other things..

in May of 2009, i wasnt able to distract myself. so i did use that release. im ashamed of myself. i hate myself for what i did. but it felt good. i felt really good. i bled. to any firends that do that to themselves, it hits home hard. thats why i get upset, i dont know that any of you will ever read this, but i know what you are going through. i have been there. more recently than any of you may know. im sorry. i may be hypocritical, but if you dont do it, it makes it easier for me to keep from doing it. so alypie, i love you and please dont hurt yourself. =/

the pain i create for myself and others is, astonishing. i realize what im doing but i cant stop myself from doing it. to all those that i have caused pain im sorry, for all of those that i hurt, please dont be mad. im trying. i really am trying. forgive me.

to all of you who know me, this is stuff you may not know, to all that dont your on the same boat as others. i dont know how much ill write here today, what all i want to release to you. but im going to give a few shout outs.

Jessica: you have ALWAYS been here for me, always, and im sorry that i was never comfortable sharing this with you. your quick to judge and sometimes thats not what i want.. im sorry, you will see where all this goes if you read it.

Brummet: you are like my protective older brother (even though im older than you). i apprectiate all of the times that were there to defend me. =]

Gregory: theres so much i could say here and so much i think when i say oyur name. you were my first love, and i assume eventually this story will be on here too. but i love you, i always will. and i trust you unconditionally. thank you so much for everything you have given me. you have been the biggest influence on my life. thank you

Ryanne: you are anew found friend and my little sister. everything you have been through, i know. i have been there and i will always be here if you want someone to talk to. i promise to not judge and to be understanding. i have no place to judge.

thats all for now, thank you everyone for being here for me. we will have more to come later. =]

Love
Always & forever,

Ash >.~