what is love..

the image of me in my future has always been the same in my mind, i love looking at me with greg and a family in our future. but in a matter of days that image became skewed. i became confused and lost and all in all i didnt know what to do. there is a guy friend of mine that i have been friends with since my freshman year, i found out about a month ago that he likes me and has liked me since my sophomore year. i was shocked but just kind of put it off, i was hanging out at his house on wednesday night and he kissed me,and i was kinda.. confused.. i told greg yesterday and things were a little rough at first but okayd out. thn i began not knowing who or what i wanted.. i didnt want to do to him what he did to me and i just got so caught up i lost it in front of him and spilled everythign that was going on in my head and it honestly really helped. he said that no matter what he just wants me happy, becasue whenever im happy he is really happy and i thought through everythign and have come to the conclusion that im going to forget the confusion from that kiss and stay where i am. he makes me happy and i love him. i dont want to try something just to end up back where we were three months ago.. i love you gregory!!

F&A
Ashley

Perfection

Ask any person to describe to you the definition of perfection and each answer will vary. Perfection isn't a solid thing, you cant pinpoint the exacts of its very being. It is merely every individual persons idea of what is best and without flaws. The world has its general idea of perfection given in the form of models and magazines and other media, but that is only what the media has put into peoples heads of what is beautiful what is flawless and what everyone should look like. But is that really fair. people vary. everyone is different. we were made in gods eyes and to god every person is perfect.

Perfection can come in many different forms. physical. personality. attitude. life style. everything. there is only one person who was ever and will ever be truly perfect, Jesus. judging yourself against others is a sin. when it comes to judgment day god will not be comparing us to our friends, our neighbors, our family. he will merely look at how we lived our lives and if we followed faith. god does not expect us to be perfect so why is our world so obsessed with the idea of perfection and reaching it. you shouldn't want to be perfect. we will never be like Jesus, we are not worthy of it and to try and reach perfection as he was is wrong. we should accept that we cant be perfect and live our lives in His word.

perfection and envy is a huge problem with me. i want to be like that media perfect i want to be that girl on the cover of vogue and be gorgeous. I've always denied complements and flattery. i have gone through life believing i am ugly and will never be anything more. i have never had a supportive family life in self confidence, and that is hurting who i am today. but i have made a decision to change that. this is my promise to myself.

I promise, to always be true to who i am on the inside, to embrace the beauty God has given me, inside and out. I promise to accept when someone calls me beautiful or any other word in its liking. I promise to stay confident no matter who tries to pull me down. I promise to be faithful to my Father, my family, my friends, and any other relationships i encounter. I promise to be happy and remember that jealousy, envy, or any other sins are not worth the pain. I promise to look at life in the big picture and not fret about the small things. And I promise to not worry about tomorrow and let tomorrow worry about itself.

I know that i have friends that love me. I know that there are people who will always be in my life and care about who i am. i don't want to let them down, and i don't want to let myself down. so i make this promise now. =]

and i am happy to say that i am currently the happiest i have ever been in a long time.

Forever and always
Ash

alone

ive always gone through school not being the popular one but being happy with the amount of friends i had and the family life i had. i always seemed to have friends to hang out with, a family i could go to or family activities. i was happy with the people who surrounded me. ive had alot of 'friends'. not alot of super close ones though. and ive been happy with jumping from group to group. but you lose that after highschool. and i have. ive lost my loose net of friends. i still have friends but none that im super close to and want to spend a whole lot of time with. and im trying to get away from drama but it seems to follow and im losing friends to that too. and now my best friend is moving like 2 or 3 hrs away so ill be losing her.

then my 'lil sister' randomly stopped talking to me... and i dont know why and its killing me. i havent talked to her in like a month. i already dont get to see her. and now she wont even talk to me any.. it hurts. i miss her so much and yet she wont even say hi..

ive lost my mom, or the mom i used to have. my dad is more and more distant everyday, my brothers continue to be mean to me. i need to get a job i need to go to college. and im lost. i am down to one person to help me and i dont knw how much help he will be because he is in the same boat that i am. and im soo afraid somethign will happen between the two of us that im afraid to push anythign with him and hes already going to be leaving in a yr or 2 to go over 1000 miles away and he doesnt even want to take me with him, leaving me literally alone. i will be alone.
lost
confused
alone

is that where im supposed to be....

clingy?

sigh. okay. im 18 and have only had about 4 boyfriends. never really serious until recently. ive never had a real relationship until this one either. and i love him completly unconditionally. but sometimes idk.. my emotions get in the way. and i dont know how to put things, or i get upset at the slightest things... sigh.... im kinda clingy.. i admit that. we spend ALOT of time together.. alot. but thats not really a problem i suppose. he is the only person i can spend litterally all my timw with and never get annoyed or anyhting, but the problems lies in the fact that most of my friends dont like him, so i dont spend alot of time with just my friends, but really they dont have a reason to not like him at all.

but i suppose whay im getting at is that if he reads this, which i hope he does, that i love him. i love him soo much. more than i can imagine. he holds the only key to my heart. we have been through rough times and rough situations, but i feel that in my heart we will last. he knows how i feel about him, im still unsure of his exact feelings for me, which yes, bothers me a little bit, i wsish that i knew exactly how he felt for me. but i cant make him know. and i want to say im sorry to him for anything ive ever done to make him upset or my emotions being ridiculous and me getting jealous or upset easily. im still a little wary of things because of what has happened, but i hope that we will be okay.

i love you Gregory! forever and always

in the arms of an angel
i look into his eyes
i see my life
and smile
from the kiss of an angel
i melt into bliss
i feel his heart
and sigh
from the wings of an angel
my fears diminish
i see my future
and jump


him
his eyes
im lost
his lips
sweet
his heart
love
his hands
hold me
his kiss
melts me
his arms
keep me safe
his smile
breaks my shell
he knows me
better than you
better than me
he loves me
for me
he protects me
he calls me beautiful
me asks me not to change
he knows what makes me happy
and sad
and angry
and he cares
my does he care
and i love him
forever
for always
him

F&A
Ashley

cry

do i live in your heart
do i bear your love
do i never fall apart
when you leve me
the last of my kisses the breaks of my hugs the end of my breath
i cry for you

do you beleive i am beautiful
do you believe i am smart
do you see the angel
that i try to be
with the kiss of my lips and the squeeze of my hugs and the scent of my breath
i cry for you

do we belong together
do we belong in each others arms
do we love each other
enough for god to see
with the kiss from his lips and the arms of a fathers hug and his breath of life
he crys for us

with the kiss
and a hug
with the breath
we will cry for you

fml

wow, so my dad sure knows how to make things better. sitting in my room things were fine, until i got a freaking ridiculously painful migrain/tooth ache/ ear ache.. im already crying, boyfriends with me too. he decideds he is going to be a complete ass (dad not bf). he freaking embarrasses me, and yells at me. not even caring that im in pain crying and my bf is there. so, in turn i start bawling like no other. fml.. thanks dad.. and you wonder why the hell i want to get away from here asap...
Ashley

hello summer.

so, ive been pretty stressed during school and the very first part of summer, but for now, ive been surprisingly content. things havent been too bad and ive been pretty happy. after my open house i was all happy because of my presents. they are awesome. ive been getting up to go to the farm and work with animals with my best friend and my boyfriend. i mean honestly who could ask for a better situation on that.

things are going well getting animals ready for the most part, we still have a few we really need to hit hard, cattle r doing good, but we need to start walking them farther. those are the only things i have signed up for hthis year, making it eaier on me. although, im super excited that i am a 10 year 4-Her so that my cow, when i sell him,should go for tons more =] hehe.

ive gotten to camp for the first time ever this summer. it was kinda just a little thing. we stayed in a tent, but it wasnt true true camping, but it was fun. im glad i got to go. now i really want to be able to go fishing for the first time too. and i want to go horsebcak riding sometime this summer. i havent been in like 2 years its killin me.

presents from my open house: i got a brand nnew dell inspiron laptop from my grandparents, i got an aloe plant form one of my friends =], i got a photo album from a friend, i got a sapphire and diamond cross necklace with matching earrings from my mom, i got a picture frame that says '2010' and each number is a slot for a pic and a bunch of random things i did from first grade from my first grade teacher, i got a silver amethyst necklace and earring set from my amazing boyfriend!, and i got a bunch of money i think if you add everything i got together before, during and after my open house its about $600.

hanging with friends, coming home late at night =] ahhh i love summer and the freedom to do this. half the time i come home and my dads already in bed. i hate being home and being bored, thats partly why im writing this right nbow, but oh well lol. so i do all i can to stay out late at night and avoid home. =] worksd for the most part i do have to say.


next week! woo i cant wait for next week. im leaving for a week to go to tennessee to CIY camp. it is a youth church camp, im so excited i can not wait! although it will be a really long drive but oh well lol. its a week away from here to relax. yays!!

well lets see, anything else? oh im driving my dads truck because my blazer has no brakes, sooo yeah, well now im gonna do a few random things! =D


“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”