so here i am 18 and having a midlife crisis...sounds ridiculous right? yeah thought so. sigh, well basically i feel like im losing myself. who was me to begin with. and if im losing me where did i go? im 18 and in 2 days i will be a highschool graduatee. i should be excited and happy, but here i am. depressed and alone. alone. not technically i guess, yeah i have friends, lot of them, but i still feel alone. i dont know what i want with my life or where i want to go. im seriously at a cross roads with dead ends on each choice. each road is covered in rocks and cracks and each is a maze of thistles and vines i have to choose one but i know that no matter which path i take im going to get hurt and lose myself along the way, there has to be a path that takes me where im supposed to go, a path that leads me to happiness and myself. but which path do i take?
i have already ended my self pain. ive tryed fixing things with people ive hurt ive tried stopping the pain i feel and ive tried to be strong. i tell myself im beautiful and wonderful and that one day some guy will come along and see that. some day a guy will look at me and say 'damn, that girl is going to be mine' a guy thats going to treat me right, family that going to love me no matter the mistakes i make and friends who will always stand by my side with a smile on their faces saying cheer up buttercup everything will be okay. but as i sit here writing this im sitting across from my ex boyfriend my best friend and the guy i like, sounds like trouble huh? well what do you do when those people are all the same person, what then? thats where the drama starts, thats where the pain keeps coming back. its hard to love someone when they dont love you back. but what can you do? love is love. and whether you want to give it to that person or not your hearts going to tell you differently. right now my heart wants that person sitting across from me. but he doesnt want me back. the complications in my feelings and his are overwhelming. if only there was some sign that would cleary say "hey over here! yeah get back with her already' but my luck would never be that great, what have i done to deserve his love. what have i done to have him in my life. what have i done to deserve anything. im a disappointment to my family and a failure to my friendss. and to him...ah to him.. i dont know what i am to him or what i will be. i have faith i have hope and in my dreams i have him. but in reality i dont. in reality im a naive girl with a crush on a boy. and i feel like my grip on reality is slipping. like my im on the end of a slowly shortening leash. and who is on the other side, i dont know. do i want to know? im not sure. how much more i can take. not alot...
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