& in the beginning

So where do I begin? good question. I suppose ill begin with the most recent events in my life. A brief background maybe. yep, thats what i'll do. maybe you know me, maybe you don't, but soon you will.

My Family: I have never been super close to my family. ya know, i have that typical mom, dad and siblings thing going on, or i did. At the end of May 2009, my mom informed me and my brothers (joey, 24 & Andy, 21) that she was going to move out for a while. i didn't know details at that point, but being 18 years old and hearing that the family i knew was going to be split up, i bawled. i went to my friend jessica's house and bawled. when finally i calmed down, i was starting to accept it. i still didn't want to talk to my mom. it was her fault. she split up my family, OUR family. how could she! how! did she not understand what this did to a kid.. well, not so much a kid, but i felt like a kid. i was helpless. i felt alone and unprotected. I told myself when ever anyone elses families split up that it would NEVER happen to me. my parents have been together for years... 23 to be exact... 23 years... it wouldnt happen to me.
i cried myself to sleep that night. that next day i am sitting in the living room and my mom and dad are there too. my dad is sitting at the computer being too quiet. my mom sitting 0n the couch looking nervous. i keep to myself. She decides to ask me how i am. really?! how i am... like thats a serious question. i jerk my head around and i sware daggers flew from my eyes. i glared at her and somehow managed to choke out an answer.. "are you serious?" shes quiet for a moment longer. this conversation i remeber exactly.. ill never forget..

Mom: well, I have something to tell you.
Me: what.
Mom: i've been seeing someone
Me: *silence* so you've been cheating on dad?
Mom: yes.

the moment that conversation ended, my head spun. i ran to my room and slammed by door. my hands trembled as i tried to dial on my phone. my heart was racing and my vision blurred. i shook, i uncontrolably shook. finally i was able to hit call. jessica answered on the second ring, typical for her. i tried to talk, tried to explain but all that came out were sobs. i heard her pan icked voice telling me to calm down but it didnt register. i panicked, i fell onto my bed crying. i dropped the phone and it hung up. she called me back three more times before i could answer. she told me to take deep breaths and get dressed and get to her house as soon as possible. at this point i am 17. i hung up and made myself somewhat presentable... somewhat. i walked out to the living room said i was going to jessicas and left. i arrived to her house, still shaking. as soon as i saw her i collapsed and cried. she went in and got a box of tissues. i used the whole box. i sat there on the back of her truck for hours. time passed slowly as i sat there just crying. how could she cheat on my dad?! my daddy... yes ima daddys girl, how could she hurt him. if this is how i am, imagine how he is, oh my god! my dad... what will he do.... this is all he knows.. this is all i know! what will we do, will life go on? my oldest brother was to be married in august, the wedding will suck.. how could she ruin something like this right before my brothers biggest day of his life..i hate her.. i hated her so much. i refused to talk to her. it took me almost a year to want to talk to her again.. i still dont have the same relationship with her that i used to have, im not sure i ever will.

they finalized the divorce in january, and just like that everything, all the pain all came back all over again. i cried. i cried at everything, every little thing thata made me think about them, i bawled. i had people to go to, but it wasnt the release i needed. i needed something. i refused to let myself get caught back into that place again. i wouldnt allow it. so i kept myself occupied with other things..

in May of 2009, i wasnt able to distract myself. so i did use that release. im ashamed of myself. i hate myself for what i did. but it felt good. i felt really good. i bled. to any firends that do that to themselves, it hits home hard. thats why i get upset, i dont know that any of you will ever read this, but i know what you are going through. i have been there. more recently than any of you may know. im sorry. i may be hypocritical, but if you dont do it, it makes it easier for me to keep from doing it. so alypie, i love you and please dont hurt yourself. =/

the pain i create for myself and others is, astonishing. i realize what im doing but i cant stop myself from doing it. to all those that i have caused pain im sorry, for all of those that i hurt, please dont be mad. im trying. i really am trying. forgive me.

to all of you who know me, this is stuff you may not know, to all that dont your on the same boat as others. i dont know how much ill write here today, what all i want to release to you. but im going to give a few shout outs.

Jessica: you have ALWAYS been here for me, always, and im sorry that i was never comfortable sharing this with you. your quick to judge and sometimes thats not what i want.. im sorry, you will see where all this goes if you read it.

Brummet: you are like my protective older brother (even though im older than you). i apprectiate all of the times that were there to defend me. =]

Gregory: theres so much i could say here and so much i think when i say oyur name. you were my first love, and i assume eventually this story will be on here too. but i love you, i always will. and i trust you unconditionally. thank you so much for everything you have given me. you have been the biggest influence on my life. thank you

Ryanne: you are anew found friend and my little sister. everything you have been through, i know. i have been there and i will always be here if you want someone to talk to. i promise to not judge and to be understanding. i have no place to judge.

thats all for now, thank you everyone for being here for me. we will have more to come later. =]

Love
Always & forever,

Ash >.~